This past weekend was the first in a long time that didn't have us frantically going from one thing to the next. 

Let me rephrase that...Saturday didn't. 

One thing that has been weighing on me is how busy people are these days.  This includes myself and my family.   Sometimes it's a good busy.  Usually, though, I find myself, my kids and my husband, are all wishing we could stay home, curl up with a good book, watch a family movie, and have no where we have to be.  My kids aren't even in competitive sports.  I don't know how families are able to swing that.  Especially larger ones.

One draw back to home schooling is that most things have to be outsourced.  PE, music, and social time.  In school, these are already all in one place.  When you home school, you have to make sure these requirements are full filled.  I find it very hard, especially after you've had a baby. Even for the first year.  It's not easy.

I've found myself saying no, or at least making an attempt, to things that are essentially good.  It ends up being one more thing on our plates, and the look of exhaustion that runs over my husband's face at the mention of it is all the confirmation I need. There was a dinner and reception for our pastor this weekend.  It was the anniversary of his ordination.  We didn't have the money for a sitter, so that sort of worked out in being able to say no easily.  Then there was the graduation ceremony for our home school group.  When a child "graduates" Kindergarten, 5th, 8th, or 12th grade, our group holds a ceremony. 

We skipped that. 

And the guilt I had wasn't as bad as I thought.

To make this all happen would have meant no time together as a family.  It would have meant bringing a massive amount of food to an event that one of my kids couldn't even eat due to her allergies. It meant dragging to special needs along who already have a hard enough time with Mass on Sunday, but then to have them sit through a ceremony about two hours long, then wait in line for about another hour to get something to eat, which would be way after dinner time.   I've been a mother long enough to know this wasn't going to work.  Especially after being busy Friday and Saturday.

I see families who just plug away and keep going, despite the fact that it's been ages since they all sat around the dinner table.  Perhaps they are all extroverted. That's great.  For them.  I find we don't fit into the "cliques" in our group because we don't participate as much as one should.  This makes me sad, mainly because I had always hoped for a group of Catholic families would be more charitable and welcoming.  After 8 years, nothing has changed.

So we say no, and rest in the fact that we are doing what works best for our family. 

In saying no, I'm hoping to foster family prayer again.  It's been so busy here that our rosary time has dissolved into nothing. 

In saying no, I've begun to bring my older children back to adoration again at my extra weekly hour.  It's so important for children to have that quiet and intimate time with the Lord.  I honestly feel my conversion happened, and my deep longing for Carmel, while spending years sitting in front of the Tabernacle. 

My husband and I were talking a few days ago, and I was relaying my worry that our kids didn't have any friends.  While he acknowledged that friends were important, since he had a lot growing up (he was home schooled), he made the point that, "...they corrupted me.  To a horrible degree.  I have many great memories, but I think perhaps our kids are called to something more, and that right now, the kids available aren't the greatest influence, and that this is how they are being protected from that influence".  My husband isn't one for reflection, so I was very moved by his insight. 

Nevertheless, I'm going to be praying for them.  That we are able to find a group of home schooling kids that accept my kids even if we can't do everything.  That will say hi to them after Mass, and not turn their backs on them when one of them walks over to say hello.

Saying no brings peace.   Not every good thing is good.  And sometimes it's better to stay closer to home, despite what the world says. 

I used to blog a lot.  Maybe about five or six years ago.  I've had several different blogs, but like my issues with all social media (Facebook, Instagram...blogging was the first social media thing I did), I can never quite find a balance.

When my kids were small, I spent enormous amounts of time online.  I was part of a nursing mother's forum, and I was also lonely.   When I look back, I can see I was just using the time of chatting online as a way to feel connected.  I wish I hadn't wasted so much time while my babies grew up before me. I am grateful for meeting some of the moms I met on that forum, though.  One of my best friends is a woman in California that I adore, and we text each other daily.  I can't imagine not having her friendship.

I moved onto blogging, and got caught up in all that blogging entails.  I have to admit, I don't know how mom's do it.  Keeping their blogs so nice and organized.  Updating weekly or even daily.  I stopped mainly because I felt like barring my soul often made others feel uneasy.  I can be very deep and serious (hello Melancholic), and sometimes, people just don't want to mull over the same stuff over and over again.  Or read about it on my blog.  I also felt like I've never fit into any online community.  Especially among Catholic mothers.  I'm not creative or crafty, I don't sew, I'm not a writer, I don't do crafts (I would view purgatory as an endless home school co op that consisted of crafts), I'm not very intellectual, although I love to listen to others....I don't grow my own food, I'm horrible at curriculum planning (hence my reason for enrolling in Seton Home Study for the fourth year in a row...accountability...and there is something to be said for having your whole school year dropped off at your doorstep!)...the list goes on.

My life is different from most I know.  We have six children, two of them with special needs.  This puts us in the position of not fitting in most Catholic home schooling circles, and also not in public school circles.  We have to choose our friends carefully, after years of shutting people out.  We have to be careful so we don't get hurt later on, or even worse, our children don't get hurt.  People, I've noticed, can be understanding of autism and how that changes things...to a point.  And you know, I get it.  I've been there.  However, my husband and I don't have the luxury of just handing our kids off to someone else. Even if we could, we wouldn't want to.  We love them as they are.  Sometimes, that means saying goodbye and mourning a friendship you thought would come to fruition.

Life.

When I married almost 15 years ago, I had a very different idea of what my new life would be like.  For the past six years or so, I've been mourning that life.  Mourning the son who could play with others and make friends.  Mourning the second child when another diagnosis came.  Mourning the daughter who doesn't play with dolls, who can't play with the other little girls on the playground when they come up and ask her to...who doesn't care for the gifts you buy her on her birthday, and instead refuses to make eye contact with you and pushes you away when you try to give her a hug.



A dear friend of mine lost her son in an automobile accident almost four years ago.  I have watched her in her grief, and prayed so often for her.  Even in the midst of her pain, she has reached out to my husband and I and held our hand, given us advice, and told us it's ok to be different.  And it's okay to be emotionally too tired to explain over and over again what autism is.  She came to watch my older children play in their piano recital, brought them each a bouquet, and her husband filmed it.  In her pain, she shows me you can still love.  You just have to be careful who you give that love to, and to whom you open your heart.  She was there when my own mother was not, and has not been.

My life consists of parents who cannot show love, and who have their own emotional issues that require me to cut off contact with them.  My sister, my only sister, I've had do to the same.  Everyday I pray for them.  I love them, and I miss them.  But I can no longer keep up appearances for the sake of a superficial relationship, and I can no longer bear their responsibility and anger when I try to explain to them why I've made the decisions I have.  My own mother did not know what I was having when I was pregnant with Cecilia.  She called my husband the day I went into labor to tell me my brother went to the ER with pneumonia.   She asked to visit when I came home, but my recovery from surgery was so difficult and I asked for her to come later.  When later came, she didn't come.  She never comes.  I ask her to come to my Profession Mass, she says no.  But she and my father attend the ordination of a friend further away.  I ask her to come to piano recitals for my children.  To come to graduation ceremonies.  They always say no.  At some point, I stop asking.  I also stop pretending it doesn't hurt.  Because it does.  After spending my entire life burying my anger, I'm allowing myself to realize my family is not the family I always wanted or hoped for.  I have my own family now, and they need me healthy and sane.

I was sitting outside of the chapel before Adoration.  We have a beautiful grotto there.  I had about twenty minutes before my hour, and the day had been so long.   I was tired from the inside out.  I sat on the bench and watched the breeze blow through the trees. I stared at the statue of Our Lady.   The softness of the wind caused me to close my eyes, and I just sat in my heavenly Mother's presence.  She takes such good care of me.  She's always been there.  I see it now.  I give her my grief, and ask her to pray for my children.  As a Carmelite, I feel her special love and protection for me.  It's a peace I've never known before.  I don't feel so alone when I think of her.



As I walk into the chapel, I kneel before Our Lord, and thank Him for my life.  It's not the life I wanted or dreamt of.  It is the life He choose for me, so within that, and through His grace, I trust Him.  I trust Him even when there is no money, or a child regresses.  I trust Him because I see tangible evidence of His deep, intimate, and undying love for me.  In the crucifix.  In my husband's love language, in my oldest daughter's help, in my 11 year old's son smile and deep contemplation of life (I really understand him), in the pictures and flowers my 9 year old brings me when they start to bloom...I leave them on my window sill even when they've withered and died.  I see love in them still, even though not much of them physically reminds.    When my sweet Sonja, who doesn't talk, finally lets me kiss her cheek, and tugs at my hand to take her for a walk.  Most of all, I see her in my 13 month old daughter.  Every new thing she does, whether it's playing peek a boo, saying "Dad-dee!", waving at everyone she sees (children with autism don't wave...I haven't had a baby wave or say "hi" in seven years, even though I've had two children within that time)...I can almost feel His love burning within me.  She is my Simeon of Cyrene.  Her very existence gives me the grace to go on, especially on the hard days.  In her, I see my Father in heaven, who knew my grieving heart needed this child.  In ways I myself could not even fathom or understand.



My life, my vocation, is to love each person God has put in my life.  Some do not want that love, and that's ok.  I can't make them, but I still love them from afar.  For so long, I felt as though there was no hope.  Now I know there is always hope.  And I shall never again be afraid.

"In the twilight of life, God will not judge us on our earthly possessions and human successes, but on how well we have loved.” - St. John of the Cross

Today I was thinking about what it means to be a Catholic mother, wife, and home schooling family.

And what it means to God.

Sometimes, I wonder if the two don't differ a lot.

Perhaps I am out of line saying this, but who really reads this blog anyway, right?

For years I have struggled with my own issues in regards to self esteem, family issues, personal demons, and trudging along in my relationship with God.  I looked a lot to other Catholic women for a model, support, and somewhere to go when I had questions.  I thought it would be a big welcoming community.  It has not always been such.

One thing that made me really just want to run away from social media was Catholic moms in particular.  Not all, and I say this as being a VERY SINFUL PERSON myself.  Who is VERY AWARE of her own flaws, imperfections, sins, and everything else.  There seems to be several things within Catholic communities that have really been bothering me lately, and taking a step away from them was nessecary because I found them leading me into the temptation to a) get annoyed b) get angry c) say something unChristian.

 They are:

 - Big families.  As a mother of six, I know I am blessed.  However, I have many friends who do not have any children OR have "only" one to three or four kids.  There seems to be an invisible line drawing a divide between those who have less children than others, and those who have more are held in a higher regards among other families. This bothers me greatly.  We are all how God made us, family size and all, and while there are many benefits to having a large family, virtue and grace is no more less abundant, and the family is hardly lower on any invisible scale just because they don't have x amount of kids.  And really, do we know the suffering and pain these families have gone through because they actually wanted more but could not have any?  I think it's coming to light more than say, 10 years ago.  But I still see it, and it does sadden me.

- You have to home school in order to have good Catholic kids.  No, you don't.  I have two in public school, and at one point had to put all of them in public school, lest I have a nervous breakdown.  My son's autism diagnosis was the breaking point, and my kids needed a sane mother, and my husband a happy wife.  Home schooling was  not in the cards at that time. We home school now, but things are different and much less crazy. 

- Politics.  Especially Church politics.  Let's just say I've seen more horrible things flung at people by Catholics than I ever care to see again. 

- Know that God can overcome anything, and fear and anxiety is of the devil, and he loves to mess with your head, distract you, and get you to get so crazy insane with fear, that you may or may not do something stupid.  Outside grace, we can do nothing, and that's okay.  I mean, really, it's where God wants us.  Vulnerable so we have no where to go but to Him.  I remember laying on the couch with such horrible morning sickness this last pregnancy...across from me was our family altar, with our picture of the Sacred Heart.  It's been there since our house was enthroned.  For some reason, I was just staring at Him, and saying, "Honestly, I'm here again.."...and it dawned on me, this was the best place to be.  Utterly helpless, because it's there that He takes over, and I truly and doing His will.  I can't fight, and I can't get up and do what I want to do.  I can only be, and trust in Him.  Then the moment passed and I was griping about being sick again...then offering it up...griping...offering...


I think so often that if we, as Catholic wives and mothers, could honestly offer up more encouragement and support for one another and those within our parishes in communities, we would see such an outpouring of love and grace, it would be unreal.  

I guess this is what it means to be wounded.  And I know I'm a part of the problem.  So in order to start being part of the solution, it's why I left Facebook and Instagram.  For now. 

And now means my baby needs me, so ends my random thoughts of the day :)

I have a multitude of posts in my head.  Things I want to talk about, get out in the open...that have been mummuring in my head and in my heart.

I have deactivated my Facebook account.  I just have to.  I feel as though I am being tossed about on an angry sea when I'm on there.  I have no self control over how long I stay on, how often I check my phone, and it's to the point that my teenager daughter has taken notice and said something.  It was more along the lines of...when I mentioned that I was giving Facebook up for Lent, she said, "Oh thank goodness". 

I find social media to be a place that I feel one way, then immediately opposite the next.  Insecurities rise, depression sinks in, and I find that girl who wonders who she is, is she doing everything wrong, is it enough, and on and on...

Don't get me wrong, I also love Facebook.  For the friends I've made.  It connects me to others on the long, at home days where I don't have much contact without anyone else over the age of 13.   For the most part, though, it needs to be put aside.  There is just no way I can hear the voice of the One who dwells within when my heart is caught up in so much exteriorly.

It has been an insanely hard winter, and I have to admit I am not looking forward to Lent. I feel that so much has been sacrificed since before Christmas that I don't know how much more I have left!  Yes, there are much bigger things going on in the world besides my own little issues, but to me...they are big.  Maybe the silence will put things in perspective.

I have found on the days that prayers are put first, silence is there before the clamor of everything and everyone else, my soul is more recollected and I am more able to deal with what the day brings.  Which is always something busy, crazy, and insane (usually I'm the insane one).

I'll be back to touch on a few topics.  Such as what it is to be a Catholic mothers these days, in the face of social media.  Raising children with special needs within the Catholic community, and pondering on the subject of really loving Our Lord.  Truly and completely.  For Him alone, and not for anything we may gain from it.  In the darkness and pain. 

Does anyone even still read this blog?  ;)

The New Year

I have been reflecting on the new year...it hasn't started out so well.  We are in the middle (or at the end of, as I write this) of Christmas Break.  While I love Advent and the Christmas Season, this one was absolutely overwhelmingly stressful.  I don't think I've ever been so busy.  It also went by so fast.  I felt like it was only Thanksgiving, then I blinked and it was the week before Christmas.  I missed the annual Carmelite Advent retreat because of everything going on, and that always seems to get me situated interiorly.  I keep thinking it's because we had a baby, but honestly...it's been everything else.

So this year...what does this year hold?  What areas of my life do I hope to improve in?  What bad habits need to go, and what virtue will take the place of them?

I will be 39 this year.  I read something once in a book by Fr. Thomas Dubay that there are people who, every year, make resolutions to stop doing this or that, and to become a better person.  As each year goes by, they stay stuck in the same place, never advancing.  Never having a deep and personal relationship with God, and never truly being able to love their neighbor.  I've thought a lot about that.  So much has not changed within me, and if I ever hope to move beyond where I am now,  there has to be a serious conversion of heart and an interior change of my internal compass.

This year I will be up for making my Final Promise as Secular Carmelite.  Six years I have been in Formation.  Three years in living the life of a Secular.  There have been several times I have considered leaving.  God, however, has shown me that to leave would be a mistake, so I've stuck it out, despite some serious obstacles.

2013 was an awesome year because of this wonderful creature


Honestly, she is the balm to my weary soul.  She captures my heart, expands it, and enables me to love in ways that I didn't know I was able.  She was an answer to prayer.  Prayers within my heart that I didn't even know I was praying.  But God knew.  In His infinite wisdom, she has been a source of healing to my mother's heart.  Her life has been a testimony to the ocean of God's mysterious and sanctifying love.  We named her well, for my soul sings when I look into her eyes.  Every coo, sweet song, the smell of her sweet skin reminds me God knew what I needed more than I did, and I sing a constant song of praise to Him for His love and mercy upon this wretched and miserable sinner.


This past year was also one of great stress and sorrow.  There was a situation that caused me to make a decision that shattered my faith, and it was under the direction of a misguided priest.  The spiritual director I've had for almost a year.  I've since left him, and confessed what happened to another, but it has forever changed me.  I won't go into detail, but St. Teresa of Avila writes that no matter how far one advances, you can fall just as easily as anyone else (not that I was advanced, but just making a point).  It's been a year of confusion, darkness, crying out in the wilderness for redemption.  For peace.  I need to forgive myself, and accept that Christ's blood has washed over my sins and has forgiven me.  Still...I should have known better.  Even though I was counseled otherwise.


For 2014, I move forward in God's mercy and love.  My goals are as follows:

- To devote each day to mental prayer.  Even if that means locking myself in the bathroom (which it may come to that). 



- Discern adding an additional holy hour each week.  I have have a weekly one, and then bi weekly I go twice a week.  We have Perpetual Adoration at our parish, which is such a blessing.  As the baby is getting older, I'd like to possibly add another hour.  Not sure how or when.  Discerning.



- Keep up with running.  I'm back up to 15 miles a week.  I need to let this be for helping with depression. Not with weight loss.  Weight loss is a huge trigger for me.  It consumes me, taking my focus off of God, and focusing too much on myself. However, running helps keep any depressing thoughts and anxiety at bay, and I find myself much more able to sit in prayer without having my thoughts unravel and fall apart on me.  I think of the Benedictine order...they did hard physical labor as it aided them in their prayer life.



- Homeschooling.  I'm not sure I want to do this anymore.  I've been feeling that way for awhile. We are not your typical family.  With two children with disabilities and in the public school system, there are so many things my home schooled children cannot participate in within our home school group.  My kids are older now.  One will be a teenager next month, and I am concerned that they do not have any friends.  My oldest daughter has one or two but she never sees them. Same for my son and other daughter. This bothers me, as some of my fondest memories from childhood was the time spent with my friends. My oldest wants to continue, my son isn't so sure, and my other daughter definatley wants to be home schooled.  But I feel as though I've been on burn out mode for the last three years.    I want to be able to NOT worry so much being the sole provider of their education.  It's a huge burden.  However, I do not want to hand them over to the public school system either.  For my kids who are in school, it's a much different environment when you have a disability. My son there has a 1:1 aide.  He is surrounded and taken care of from the moment he gets off the bus until he comes home.  Same for my pre schooler.  And it's pre school.  A far cry from junior high and high school.   However, Catholic school tuition is through the roof, and we applied for financial assistance last year.  We were awarded half, but it's still not enough.  Especially with six kids to provide for.  So, much discernment in this area.  I have no idea where God will go with this.



These are some of the thoughts I had this morning. The baby has been chewing on my scapular as I write this, and since I took it away, she's become very vocal. Time to get the morning going....

Wow....so, it's been awhile since I blogged.  I hardly know what to say sometimes, and other times, it seems what I have to say isn't that important.

I always worry that in blogging, I'm being somewhat narcissistic.  As in, "Look at me..look at what I have to say...".  That may be the case in certain instances...other times, I truly love to write.  Whether time allows me that is another thing.

Then, in order to take the focus off of myself, I'll update about our beautiful kids..

We are almost done with the first quarter of school.  That's always an adjustment period.  After a baby, it's even more so.  I have one child with reading delays and mild dyslexia.  She requires a lot of my time still, even though she is in the third grade.  She's made leaps and bounds over the past few years, but she still requires much.  We have a wonderful, absolute amazing friend who is a reading specialist who has been tutoring her for FREE for almost two years. I don't know what we would have done without her help, because honestly her needs were greater than what I could provide.  This same beautiful soul is now also battling breast cancer...so could you offer up a small prayer for her?  She is a mom of six, used to home school, and now helps other home schooling families on a barter system, so they don't have to pay.  She has kept this up throughout her treatments.  Amazing.

David's school year started off well, but now we are back to our normal place this time of the school year...with behavioral problems.  With autism, sometimes you just want to run and bury you head in the sand, because you resolve one issue, and it just pops back up later.  It's like they build up an immunity to it, and your left scratching your head, then throwing your hands in the air, just ready to give up.  David will be seven next month, and I think God has given my husband and I the grace of just accepting the situation (or situations) as they are.  There is nothing we can do, except deal with each situation as best as we can, work with the teachers, aides, and staff at his school, and continue to pray.  I was reading the meditation this morning on the three theological virtues.  Hope was one I lingered on, and Psalm 43 came to mind:

Why are you downcast, my soul?

                                            For I know well the plans I have in mind for
                                            you....plans for  your welfare, not for woe!
                                            plans to give you a future full of hope.  When
                                            you call me, when you go to pray to me, I 
                                            will listen to you.  When you look for me, you
                                            will find me.  Yes, when you seek me with all
                                            your heart, you will find me.....and I will change
                                            your lot (Jer 29:11-14

                                                                          I love Fridays.



















I think this plays into my body image issues.

This book, recommended by a friend. 






And Theresa had this on her blog (you know I had to get it)